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Monday,June 2nd, 2003
Heather's 19 birthday(my sista).
Ya know I think Selena scared Kylee away. She's so mean sometimes and Kylee's an insecure liar. I feel alone even though I have plenty of people. I always feel this way. Sucks.
Going for my permit and lifeguard liscense...woohoo.
Nothing much else.
May, 30,2003
Today started out as a really bad day. i kept bumping my long arms against things, dropped my make-up...which no longer exists...my damn hair wouldn't cooperate and the list just keeps going on and on. The rest of the days turning out all right.
Next week I take my drivers test for my permit...a little nervous...I don't really care much for driving and probably won't learn how...I have to though. I have to stop being a chicken like my mom. She too hates driving.
Nothing much else going on.

Thursday, May 29,2003
I am so tired today it's not even funny! Life Guard training is wearing me down. I feel like I haven't slept in forever. Exhaustion. Anyways..we did skills yesterday(lifeguard training). I had to act out a scenario of a person drowning..I hated it but then again I do try my best to imagine it as if it were real. It's hard.
Going to Wally's World tonight to buy a little fan,batteries,head phones, and some junk food...let ya know what I actually buy.
Todays boring but I did get some math work done. ;-)

Friday, May 23, 2003

Okay, before the weekend begans and I disappear for the weekend I thought I'd write a little bit about what's been going on.

I finished center support. Thank Gawd. It was actually really easy today. no stress. Stupid Chris Peterson annoying the hell outta me. I hate that immature fuck. He thinks so funny and cute but personally I think he's a dork starving for attention. Too bad my room mate's dating him otherwise I'd bitch to her about it. Poor girl. Anyways.

 I'm in a good mood besides the fact that Kylee went on leave. I miss my whitegirl! Ah well. She'll be back Tues. Robyn's leaving Job Core for good wednesday. Gunna miss her like crazy.

Hate Sherry. My opinion. Just a random thought. Embrace those you hate I guess...whatever the fuck that means.

On a happy note I'll definetly be going to college August 26. Excited! I have tog et my GED by July or I'm going to go nuts! I will. Now that I get accomodations for Math. Apparently I have a learning disability. I agree with that somewhat. I also think that I'm somewhat lazy. Well anyways. Gonna get going.


Wednesday, May 21, 2003

I talked to my mom...called her and she only made me sad. I love her to death but she makes me so sad. I don't know. I feel like I'm losing her...I'm losing her because I'm losing myself.

My life is not working out and all I do is bitch about it. I can't be happy and content ever. I'm going to spend the rest of my life struggling and here I am always talking about ME. I'm so self-centered I didn't even know it.

My mom and I are losing eachother like I said. I got so jealous because my older sister Heather bought my little sister Ashley a bike for her birthday and I couldn't even be generous and buy her a card for her birthday because I'm too damn cheap. I felt so bad I wanted to cry when my mom told me that. Instead I got all quiet and she asked why I was getting that way and I say I don't know and that I had to go and she asked where and I said no where I just wanna go so I said bye and she said I love you right as I hung up the phone. I feel so guilty. I shoulda called her back and said I love you too mom like I always used to. I do love her but it's so hard to keep saying that to her when I feel she doesn't really care. Maybe she does and just doesn't know how to show it it's not like her mom gave her very much love. Plus my friend Alison just lost her mom and I know she'd give anything to say I love you again and again and here I am taking it all for granite. Fuck I'm stupid!


Losing Touch

I feel so regretful like the snow fell yesterday,

so hard on my head,

I felt my heart go heavy,

as I forgot to say my love to you,

I wish you knew the jealousy I bottle up in me,

the need to be someone plagues my every inch,

the slap in the face that makes me flinch,

I seem to only care,

about who I will one day be,

so much so I'll never find the real me,

I refuse to let you make me into something you are,

I run away quickly but never really go to far,

I wish you knew that my body and soul are losing your touch,

even though I feel the need to need it so much,

the approval of your kiss,

the smile on your face,

Is the only thing that will ever erase,

the touch that I'm losing as I fall away from you,

If you only knew all the love I feel is true,

Your my mother,

My woman of faith,

the only one in this world I could never replace



Monday, May 19, 2003

Doing Center Support this week for Kari...not so bad. I get the 6 to 2 shift so it's going to be fairly easy. I'm waiting for her to come back so I can finish up the rest of my hours. Robyn got called out of the assembly to do hours(center support) . She gets to work in the cafeteria today since she ditched it yesterday. Just so long as she doesn't get termed.

Ms. Rachelle is still in New York...

Respect week.

Haven't talked to my mom in a week. Oh well...

20 yrs. since Cheryl Lynn's death...RIP angel...


Thursday, May 15, 2003

How is that so many people can make you feel insecure about yourself? So many people. It's like I no longer exist. I don't know. I feel like I don't exist any longer. Like I'm Brittany but I've disappeared or something. More new kids keep coming in and they don't even know me. There like strangers taking over my world. The only world that's peaceful. Then I have old friends popping in and out of no where...well those old friends are now enemies.

My dreams seem so far away. Like there never going to happen. Every morning I wake just to keep going I have to tell myself...almost convince myself that it's all going to turn out all right. When I was younger I used to be overly optimistic. That optimism got me through some pretty dark days with my family and all of there bullshit. Now I'm starting to see optimism as ridiculous...it's foolish to be so bright.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

I am so tired of Math...my whole life is revolving around it. If not for Math I would have my GED by now. I probably won't be getting it for a long while. I TABE'd in math again and got a 570...I need a 600 for college. Fuck it. I'm going to pay for college myself.

Here at Job Core we live in suites. My suite is pretty strict ever since Ms. Rachelle left. I almost got written up for talking during roll call. So stupid I was answering the village idiot of our suites question. I was so pissed. I'm so tired of these hypocritical leaders we have. They write a whole lotta people up for talking in roll call and then they go and yuck it up with eachother during roll call. B-Astards!


Monday, May 12, 2003

Didn't wish my mom a Happy Mother's Day. I as still mad. I know it just might be a little immature to ignore or refuse to call her bt I'm tired of being the one to say I'm sorry. She has to stop ignoring my feelings.

Saw X-Men 2...it was really good. Can't wait for the prequl...YES I am an X-Men fan...


Friday, May 09, 2003

Talked to my mother on the phone. She pissed me off so bad today. Her and her bad attitude. She's not a very loving mother. I tried so damn hard just to talk to her and she was so mean. I hate my family so bad. None of them are even worth my time. I know I sound like a typical teenager but seriously if you only had a family like mine. Everyone has problems but my family says I love you through clenched teeth.

Ms. Rachelle, my Residential Advisor, is gone for good. I am going to miss her. Stupid Job Core wouldn't sponsor her...she's from Canada and only had a working Visa for a year. She was so damn good at her job. We all loved her. Every one of us. I did feel out of place last night when they had the little goodbye party for her.

We went around and did thank yous and talked about our pasts. I didn't speak up. I'm not like the students here. My past was rough but I never fell into the clutches of alcohol and drugs. I steered clear. I don't know if it was my self-confidence or I was just too damn stubborn maybe. Nah. Alcohol makes me so depressed and drugs make me so stupid...literally! I had nothing to say.

I'm going to miss Rachelle though. She was the best...more like a mother to me then my own mother and she was only 27. She treated me with respect and helped me to realize my dreams and aspirations. So many times she was there for me when I was lost and teary eyed and believe me I've been like that so many times. She was the type of person you wanted to be around all the time even if she never spoke to you or you didn't have a real conversation you still felt this warmth with her. So many things I want to say...I'll say more later...


Thursday, May 08, 2003

It's been awhile since I wrote in this puppy. It's rainning hard outside right now and my hands are cold...my shirt feels a little damp. I have to pee. What else? Nothing...


Thursday, April 24, 2003

Thank God for pills to take to keep me sane but I feel so damn fake. Like I have no sad emotions, they've gone away. It's hard for me to feel real. I guess this is good. Now I no longer have to cry my eyes out over nothing. I'll never be satisfied!


Thursday, April 10, 2003

It's been awhile or at least it feels like it has. I went on leave so now here I am at home being bored with my nutty family. Ack. I'm sick I think...in the head but I won't elaborate. I'm weak. My arms always hurt for some reason. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so winded easily. anyways. Gotta go!


Monday, April 07, 2003

Nothing much happenin'. Just being bored in math. Yes I said Math I'll be in it until i get my GED. Why was Math even created? Life would be a whole lot easier but then again who said life was easy? Anyways. Birthdays tomorrow!


Tuesday, April 01, 2003

April's fool...I TABE'd out of Math today...I'm so proud of myself! Now I can finally work towards getting my GED, going to college and majoring in psychology. Finally...


Monday, March 31, 2003

Ah boys...can't live with them but we can live without them unless you need the occasional booty call but there's always man whores available. Always distorted reasons as to why my relationships with guys fail. I guess I take everything guys say to the heart because of my stepdad. he taught me well. That everything he said was the truth and I only snapped back at him when he ridiculed me and blamed me for his pathetic existence even though I had nil to do with it. So here I am wondering how I can be more of someone guys can get along with. Last time I ever date a 16 yr old. i'm stickin to the older boys. The older ones are dummer and more willing too please whereas the youngins haven't learned yet that no self respecting woman is going to put up with their shit. I think my ex is crushin over one of my close friends here. It's just a thought I had when he sent her an email saying he likes someone but he didn't know if that someone liked him. Would I care if he went with her? Nah...but I doubt she would...I don't think he's her type that's just a THOUGHT. Whatever happens happens I guess. Ho hum...what a world.

    Another thing he said I had NO sense of humor well ah let me see could it be we have two different sense of humors? Two different kinds I mean. His sense of humor is directed towards having a dirty mind and making fun of me, mine is more of being sarcastic which makes it look like I have no sense of humor but in my opinion sarcasm is the only funny sense of humor. Anyways, who cares what he thinks of me. i only care what I think of myself. Screw'em.


Friday, March 28, 2003

I've been slackin the past coupla days. finishing up my Math so I'll be ready to TABE out soon. I'm really hungry and wish lunch time would come soon. I've been good lately. Robyn's back and making me laugh non stop. Love her. My room mate is bitching about the radio being too loud...she threw socks at my other room mate and told her to turn it down! It wasn't even loud first off. I was sleeping right next to the speakers and I couldn't hear it. i wanted to smack her. she told me to get headphones and I am and tonight if she btiches I'm going to say that I have headphones what else do you want me to do. i think she should just shove some fuckin ear phones in and shut the hell up.

Otherwise I've been happy about everything else. All that matters is that I'm happy. I don't like being stressed.