Monday,June 2nd, 2003
Heather's 19 birthday(my sista).
Ya know I think Selena scared Kylee away. She's so mean sometimes and Kylee's an insecure liar. I feel alone even though I have plenty of people. I always feel this way. Sucks.
Going for my permit and lifeguard liscense...woohoo.
Nothing much else.
Today started out as a really bad day. i kept bumping my long arms against things, dropped my make-up...which no longer exists...my damn hair wouldn't cooperate and the list just keeps going on and on. The rest of the days turning out all right.
Next week I take my drivers test for my permit...a little nervous...I don't really care much for driving and probably won't learn how...I have to though. I have to stop being a chicken like my mom. She too hates driving.
Nothing much else going on.
Thursday, May 29,2003
I am so tired today it's not even funny! Life Guard training is wearing me down. I feel like I haven't slept in forever. Exhaustion. Anyways..we did skills yesterday(lifeguard training). I had to act out a scenario of a person drowning..I hated it but then again I do try my best to imagine it as if it were real. It's hard.
Going to Wally's World tonight to buy a little fan,batteries,head phones, and some junk food...let ya know what I actually buy.
Todays boring but I did get some math work done. ;-)
Okay, before the weekend begans and I disappear for the weekend I thought I'd write a little bit about what's been going on.
I finished center support. Thank Gawd. It was actually really easy today. no stress. Stupid Chris Peterson annoying the hell outta me. I hate that immature fuck. He thinks so funny and cute but personally I think he's a dork starving for attention. Too bad my room mate's dating him otherwise I'd bitch to her about it. Poor girl. Anyways.
I'm in a good mood besides the fact that Kylee went on leave. I miss my whitegirl! Ah well. She'll be back Tues. Robyn's leaving Job Core for good wednesday. Gunna miss her like crazy.
Hate Sherry. My opinion. Just a random thought. Embrace those you hate I guess...whatever the fuck that means.
On a happy note I'll definetly be going to college August 26. Excited! I have tog et my GED by July or I'm going to go nuts! I will. Now that I get accomodations for Math. Apparently I have a learning disability. I agree with that somewhat. I also think that I'm somewhat lazy. Well anyways. Gonna get going.
I talked to my mom...called her and she only made me sad. I love her to death but she makes me so sad. I don't know. I feel like I'm losing her...I'm losing her because I'm losing myself.
My life is not working out and all I do is bitch about it. I can't be happy and content ever. I'm going to spend the rest of my life struggling and here I am always talking about ME. I'm so self-centered I didn't even know it.
My mom and I are losing eachother like I said. I got so jealous because my older sister Heather bought my little sister Ashley a bike for her birthday and I couldn't even be generous and buy her a card for her birthday because I'm too damn cheap. I felt so bad I wanted to cry when my mom told me that. Instead I got all quiet and she asked why I was getting that way and I say I don't know and that I had to go and she asked where and I said no where I just wanna go so I said bye and she said I love you right as I hung up the phone. I feel so guilty. I shoulda called her back and said I love you too mom like I always used to. I do love her but it's so hard to keep saying that to her when I feel she doesn't really care. Maybe she does and just doesn't know how to show it it's not like her mom gave her very much love. Plus my friend Alison just lost her mom and I know she'd give anything to say I love you again and again and here I am taking it all for granite. Fuck I'm stupid!
BELOW IS A POEM I THOUGHT I COULD NEVER WRITE...
I feel so regretful like the snow fell yesterday,
so hard on my head,
I felt my heart go heavy,
as I forgot to say my love to you,
I wish you knew the jealousy I bottle up in me,
the need to be someone plagues my every inch,
the slap in the face that makes me flinch,
I seem to only care,
about who I will one day be,
so much so I'll never find the real me,
I refuse to let you make me into something you are,
I run away quickly but never really go to far,
I wish you knew that my body and soul are losing your touch,
even though I feel the need to need it so much,
the approval of your kiss,
the smile on your face,
Is the only thing that will ever erase,
the touch that I'm losing as I fall away from you,
If you only knew all the love I feel is true,
Your my mother,
My woman of faith,
the only one in this world I could never replace
Doing Center Support this week for Kari...not so bad. I get the 6 to 2 shift so it's going to be fairly easy. I'm waiting for her to come back so I can finish up the rest of my hours. Robyn got called out of the assembly to do hours(center support) . She gets to work in the cafeteria today since she ditched it yesterday. Just so long as she doesn't get termed.
Ms. Rachelle is still in New York...
Haven't talked to my mom in a week. Oh well...
20 yrs. since Cheryl Lynn's death...RIP angel...
How is that so many people can make you feel insecure about yourself? So many people. It's like I no longer exist. I don't know. I feel like I don't exist any longer. Like I'm Brittany but I've disappeared or something. More new kids keep coming in and they don't even know me. There like strangers taking over my world. The only world that's peaceful. Then I have old friends popping in and out of no where...well those old friends are now enemies.
My dreams seem so far away. Like there never going to happen. Every morning I wake just to keep going I have to tell myself...almost convince myself that it's all going to turn out all right. When I was younger I used to be overly optimistic. That optimism got me through some pretty dark days with my family and all of there bullshit. Now I'm starting to see optimism as ridiculous...it's foolish to be so bright.