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"I'm a perfectly good carrot that everyone is trying to turn into a rose. As a carrot, I have good color and a nice leafy top. When I'm carved into a rose I turn brown and wither."

Tuesday,June 3rd,2003
What I have been doing lately...
To begin I've been doing a whole lot in Math class...Algebra is actually fun for me which is a good sign since I'll be taking College Algebra. I've also been psychoanalyzing my room mates in an amateur yet believable way. I'm not using too big of words yet but one day I will. Last night we had an interesting discussion on why males act the way they do and why teenage girls are so narotic. it goes with the book I'm reading Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher(PH.D). Ever heard/read it? We talked about how everday a womans life is like a beauty pageant where they have to look there best just to please the world and feed some need inside to be the best and most beautiful. Did you know that at thriteen a girl looks at herself in the mirror more often then she does her homework? Not because she's conceited but just because she has this need to know what every inch of her is all about...that's my opinion anyways cuz I went through that stage where all I did was stay up late at night looking at myself. I had a full length closet mirror in my room. I always thought I was a dog...butt ugly....my nose was huge and my cheeks were really chubby and I was just hideous to me. I never wore make up til I came to Job Core because I felt no need to do so. Who cared how I looked? I was too ugly anyways. I was really critical of myself. I'm not saying I'm this stunningly beautiful girl who didn't know she was beautiful(yuck) but I'm not ugly...I'm not pretty either and being in the middle is alot better than being pretty or plain.

What I like about myself is that I'm able to stand up for myself without being immature and insane like some people tend to act. I only stand up for myself if it's right and I know I'm right and i know I can win otherwise I'll suck it up and take whatever that person has to give in. I'm also very perce ptive of anothers feelings or actions. I've been fooled once or twice but deep down I know I just tend to deny the inevitable.

What I dislike is that I'm too obsessive when it comes to people or friends but I never show it. On the inside I'm torn apart if a close friend ignores me for other people or acts indifferent. It makes me crazy inside and I feel like shouting at them and telling them exactly how I feel but I'm afraid they'll think I'm a nutcase. I never blow up. I let things go easily. If a friend ignored me for a whole day I'd pretend I hadn't noticed and go crawling back without complaint. Maybe I'm foolish or maybe I've been trained to ignore rejections or mishaps.

Why some girls are independent and why others cling to anothers company...

What I think is a girl who is independent is a girl who is used to being single and alone. For instance I have had little boyfriends that never went farther than 3 days as far as a relationshi p goes. I had crushes and guy friends but never boyfriends. I had crushes on my guy friends but never said anything about that because I was always buddies with the crazy guys who everyone thought was annoying or stupid. To me they were good humored and fun. If you don't start dating til your at least 16 or 17 even those relationships you get into are strained. You never pin too much hope on them and even if you do it only takes one heartbreak to scare you away and make you suspiscious of other possible boyfriends. When independent girls are single there not like, "Oh, I miss..." and have a lesser chance of going back to abusive boyfriends...my opinion they have more sense. Even if they miss there exes they still never go crawling back because subconsciously a part of them enjoys the single life.

Dependent girls dated young. Like say around 13 or 14 they had long term relationships that seemed serious and steamy for them and thought they were in love. It's hard er for them to stay single because they have that need to be needed and wanted and loved and cared for by another. They'll miss exes more often and are even more liable to cheat then independent girls when there current boyfriends stop paying them attention.

In any case I dissagree with the fact that dependent girls never had a father figure in their home. I didn't have one and I'm independent.

Friday, May 30, 2003

i am: ready for college
i think: too much
i know: what I want
i want: to know who Iam
i have: everything I NEED
i hate: too many people

i miss: my old life
i fear: nothing really
i feel: okay
i hear: two people talking
i smell: the grass growing outside
i crave: chocolate...24-7
i wonder: if I'll be able to fall asleep after school.
i regret: nothing
i love: my mom, my siblings,my family, most of my friends
i ache: because I keep bumping into things by accident
i long:
to be back where I started
i care: about those who have no one to care for them.
i always: hide the real me
i am not: going to ever be able to be real
i dance: only in my dreams
i sing: like a dying cat
i cry: on the inside
i fight: on the inside
i write: poems, stories,this right HERE
i never: shut up
i win: less times then when I lose
i lose: more times then I win
i confuse: myself
i listen: to those who want to be heard
i am: waiting impatiently for my life to begin





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